I am a heretic.
I am a Catholic who does not believe in Jesus, a Pagan who does not worship any pantheon, a Jew who did not finish converting, and a believer who believes in no religion. I elevate Scientific Theory as a god of sorts. The closest I tend to get with embracing a whole doctrine is Discordianism. If laughter and confusion are not The Way to enlightenment, it certainly is A Way.
I have a tendency to let my right brain hang out in space declaring the beautiful oneness of all things while my tightly controlled left brain is busy screaming bullshit to everything but the highly peer reviewed views of reality. When my two sides try to battle it out for supremacy, I make them have a group hug and tell them to sit down and shut up.
A man I have often considered my teacher (and more often, my friend) once told me that I was never very good at being a polytheist because I place no other gods before myself.* I never really consider this the horrible critique that he seemed to feel it was. But then, if such a thing applied to me, how could I?
It does apply, too. I can’t take the word of someone else before the processes of my own brain. Doctrine and dogma have a tendency to be dress-up clothes for me. I try on a myth from here, a practice from there, and a piece of dogma from over that way, sewing them up into a patchwork outfit of sense and nonsense. It isn’t that I don’t take them seriously or with reverence. It’s more that I am both contrary and a peacekeeper by nature.
Still. Walking a middle path by keeping one foot firmly on either side does not make for a comfortable gait. I often look as idiotic from the outside as embracing either side completely feels from the inside.
I want to neaten this up and make some point with it. Edit it. Make it clear and concise. What you see here today will likely be changed to make some sort of essay on something or other. How religion, politics and philosophy intersect and the ways in which it maybe should or shouldn’t. Or perhaps the political and social climate of the place I call home nowadays, and how uncomfortable that makes me.
I always want to straighten things for outside consumption. Keep a curtain over the disarray that is the spectrum of my thinking while revealing well constructed dioramas of thought that I have built.
Perhaps for once I should just leave it as the mess it is. A tribute to the fanatical heretic that is my innermost self.
For now, I am a contrary peacekeeper. I am she who laughs. I am a heretic.
*paraphrased so completely that I won’t even put it in quotes as I can never remember the precise way he said it. He’s also recanted it many times and said it was a truly terrible thing for him to say.